A special thanks goes out to all that have shared thoughts on the topic of not having kids whether they chose that path or not. I have kept all of those thoughts tucked away for future posts. I haven’t posted in a while…well…. because life has been a little busy. I was reminded to post earlier in the week in a couple situations. The first was at a doctor’s appointment where I was asked what was my husband going to do for me for Mother’s Day. Rather than having to start a conversation of why we don’t have kids yet, I just said “no plans in particular….We will be busy doing our best to spoil our own mothers.” The nurse exchanged a glance with me in understanding. However, the doctor continued to express disbelief that my husband had nothing planned for me. It felt as though she was convinced someone our age must have kids and must have big plans. She proceeded to tell me that I needed to make it clear to him he must have a plan. She doesn’t know that we don’t have kids or that everyday with him is an adventure and no special plans are needed. I just kept quiet for the rest of the appointment. Later on that day I had another reminder to post on the blog. It was something that has also been shared by other readers. It is the assumption that if you have a day off work you will not be busy if you don’t have kids. I find that people use that assumption to think it is okay to cross boundaries. The older I have gotten I have learned to say no and have learned to work on not feeling guilty in doing so. This is important for my own well being. Often the person you say no to uses the guilt to get you to do whatever they are seeking. One reader shared this statement. “You are probably sitting at home doing nothing. You don’t have kids.” Another reader that shared concern over these statements who does have kids proposed this question. “Do you remember what life was like before kids?” Everyone agreed with her that life certainly changes after kids and many adjustments have to be made. However, most said they were just as busy before but the busyness changed. There are new priorities. If you have a home, you are busy. There is always something to clean, repair, straighten….etc. If you also own a business, the same applies. Pets are sometimes our focus and keep us busy. Helping to care for a family member can be a full time job. Are we wrong to make these things a priority? No. These are the things that make us who we are. Those that are juggling all of these things plus kids…..I’m pretty sure this is why wine and margaritas were invented! And to you I say Happy Mother’s Day and enjoy your day however you see fit…. Big plans or no plans. Just keep in mind that just because someone does not have kids, that doesn’t mean they are not busy or do not have other important priorities at this time.

Lysa Terkeurst is one of my favorite authors. She recently posted a saying on Facebook that really resonated with me…..”boundaries aren’t to push others away, boundaries are to help hold me together.” This month is pregnancy, infant, and child loss awareness month. If there is one thing that this journey in life has taught me, it’s the need to establish healthy boundaries regarding this subject and to hold firm to those boundaries. This is not always easy. In past posts, I have shared how sometimes even perfect strangers ask for details. I have learned it’s ok to say that I am not ready to share. People often assume that when you are my age that you just don’t want to have kids. As they ask the details, they often fill in the blanks when you are quiet not realizing you are struggling with a heavy burden. Then comes the unsolicited advice. You should try this… you should do that… you need to talk to so and so. When your friends are quiet and not talking about their struggles, they are not necessarily purposely keeping things from you. They need time to process and heal. This can take a long time. Even as they are able to emerge from this darkness and move forward, they are still processing this trauma and healing. It is important to understand that this healing occurs over a lifetime. Each year on October 15 at 7 pm there is a movement to light a candle in remembrance of our angels. For those of you that lit a candle tonight at 7 to remember your angels know that you are not alone. Your friends are quietly praying for you and respecting boundaries as you heal. 7 pm was different for us this year. We sat in a virtual meeting with adoption coordinators and matching specialists after a year of classes, interviews and completing a home study. It has been a year of quite the emotional roller coaster for us as adoption is not easy either. We hope to have news to share in the future, but for now we wait and appreciate our family’s and friend’s prayers and respect for our boundaries as we have begun a new journey….adoption.

Luck has nothing to do with it my friend. It feels more like a curse than luck. This is often said likely to try to make someone feel better but it doesn’t. Do those of us that without children have freedoms others with children do not have? Of course. Our lives tend to adjust to the season we are in. There is a good chance that your friend would give anything to have children and experience the same struggles and joys that you experience. For those that are patiently waiting for that time to come, it is important to remember if that is God’s plan for you it will happen at His perfect time. His….not ours. So keep praying friends and try to enjoy the season you are in.

One in eight struggle with infertility, and one in four have suffered pregnancy or infant loss according to the group Colorado Surrogates. This means there is likely someone in your circle struggling with one of these issues. We have all seen the jokes on social media about the baby boom expected in nine months due to the COVID-19 quarantine. With April Fools Day just around the corner, there are sure to be more jokes about being pregnant. For many of us, we need these laughs to keep our sanity during these stressful times. For others that are still healing, these jokes can be so painful. We have to remember not every one is ready to share in those laughs. Someone shared with me that these jokes are a painful reminder of what she/he will never experience. I think our response to these types of things depends on where we are in the healing process. However, this is a good reminder of something to think about should you have a friend experiencing something similar.

I am guilty of this one myself. Seems like an innocent question doesn’t it? When we are struggling with infertility or have recently suffered a loss, this question can be incredibly painful. When asked this question I can jokingly say “Yes, I have one boxer and a cat.” There have been times that I couldn’t have joked so much about it. I remember going for my first mammogram shortly after a round of fertility treatments. The nurse performing the procedure was so friendly and tried to put my mind at ease. Then came the question. “ Do you have kids?” The question didn’t bother me at all. I said no. What came next is what really got to me. She asked many really personal questions that had nothing to do with the procedure. She asked if we planned to adopt and just kept throwing the questions and suggestions one after another. You all know what I’m talking about. This woman who didn’t know me was telling me I should do this or do that and wanted to tell me about all the people she knows who had children of their own, lost a child and even adopted. It was at this point that I burst into tears. I told her I didn’t have any answers to her questions. I needed time to process and heal. She apologized. We hugged. It was all good. She had the best of intentions. I just was not in a place to be able to talk about it to a perfect stranger or anyone else for that matter. One reader has this to share… “The next time one meets a woman, try asking her what she does in her spare time. This is a way to learn if she has kids or not. Odds are she will jokingly say something like ‘ with two kids, I don’t have spare time’ or something along those lines.” This is a perfect way to start a conversation with someone and find other things you may have in common. It gives your new friend a chance to focus on the other positives in their life instead of something they aren’t ready to share.

Everyone needs a tribe. I have been so blessed over the years with an amazing tribe to do life with. We support each other in good times and in bad. We pray for each other and lift up one another. Your tribe will often be a group with whom you have some things in common. What happens when these things begin to change? It takes work to maintain these friendships and to keep those groups alive. Have you noticed this in your own groups? Have you noticed some backing away? Is it because they have changed……or have you? In our groups, we need to be mindful that we are not excluding our friends in the conversation. Maybe most are married while some are not. Maybe most have kids now and some do not. Maybe some advanced in their careers while others did not. What ever the difference, make an effort to include them in the conversation. For inspiration, see my blog post “ What Do you Say?” Your friend wants to be able to still be involved in social groups but is likely looking for a safe environment. When we are struggling with infertility or loss, we still want to be involved with our social groups. However, if kids are the topic of conversation every time, you will drive that person away. Try not to make statements in your groups such as “we are all moms here” when clearly that is not the case. Save that for your exclusive ‘mom’ groups. Parents, spouses, single, no kids…..we all need group therapy. We just have to ensure a healthy environment for all.